Still around and will try to stop in tonight-right now I am supposedly studying for an exam that I have at ten.

Good plan? No, but I'll pull it off and learn from my semi-idiocy and do better next time. Still doing yoga, still eating vegetarian, still scheduled to the hilt. Made another great recipe out of the Moosewood cookbook, I'll definitely post about those later.

The entire comment was great, like really great. I must be getting all the goods since someone isn't posting lately *wink

"There's probably a fine line between support and enabling, but my philosophy on marriage is that it's supposed to be a safe place for each partner. It's where you know yourself to be loved and accepted. So I think you're doing the right thing by not nagging him or deviously manipulating as I suggested earlier."

I think you're absolutely right that marriage should be safe, full of acceptance and encouragement and not manipulation or derision. I try my best to make sure he knows I love him no matter what, that there aren't strings attached, and I've tried to just emphasize I want an active partner to live life with, not some weird ideal for him to fit into. You know, when you become one of "the faithful" and diligently work out and plan your meals and know your macros and hell, even your micros, you want to convert anyone you come in to contact with and I struggled with that and my husband. Here's my best friend, the adult I spend the most time with and have fun with and I just wanted him to do every! thing! I! did! But I did wise up and cut that shit out, though I don't pretend it is easy. When he goes through spurts of working out I am very supportive and encouraging and when he stops I mentally duct tape my mouth shut because that is not for ME to comment on-why, if he commented on any of the times I've lost any semblance of a healthy lifestyle it would devastate me. It is sooo hard to think about the other view but I am doing my best. That is all I can do, this day and each day after.
I thought hard about what I want today in terms of my fitness level and appearance and I looked at pictures of women online that have that type of physique and can lift that kind of weight and that is my focus. I want that badass assassin body and that just hasn't changed. If I get where I don't frown about my body, even on those really bad bloated days and I am really. fucking. strong? I'll take it and grin from ear to ear.
With that in mind I did the best I could today with a lower body workout and 15 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. Believe me that was all I had and beyond as I am still technically limping along on the illness front. I say technically because I am determined to use "mind over matter" and to be well again. I will be healthy the rest of my break so I can enjoy it before I hit the ground running again. So much is swirling around the old noggin' concerning positive thinking and visualization-my head is pounding though so this is it for tonight, and that is good enough for me.

"I'm having similar issues with my husband. Thing is, he knows he's out of shape and actually bitches about it all the time. He knows he's lost a lot of muscle, that he's lost flexibility, and that his weight is high for him. But he keeps on with the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by the boxful and winces when I suggest that he might think about joining my gym (we could work out together, I chirp, even though I really don't want to work out together, but whatever it takes, yo). He keeps saying that he just needs to walk every day, but doesn't even really do that. I don't care how he looks, but I do care that he doesn't feel good because of inactivity/eating junk. He's not resentful of my trying to have healthier habits, though. He takes far too much interest in it sometimes to the point where I start to resent it. "

My husband is in deep denial about his state of health, borderline high blood pressure is still not enough for him to do anything about it, it is borderline after all. For the longest time he would complain daily about how tired he was and how he had no energy and yet he never worked on his diet or exercised. Ugh. I have a hard time listening to people bitch about something sucking when they are doing absolutely nothing about it, even reading about what to do or just contemplating it would be okay with me, at least as an initial point. I cracked up about the working out together chirping, I've been there myself.
I got out of bed and walked in to the living room on my way to the kitchen the other night to get something to eat. I'd been laying there and my stomach was growling really loudly and I wasn't going to sleep. He asked me what I was doing and when I said, "eating" he made a sad face and said, "ohhh nooo." I got the big pissed off eyes immediately, don't dare and try and guilt ME about eating Mr. couch foam growing in to your ass, but in reality he thought I was having an out of control binge moment that get me down.
Some times I'm mad at myself because I think I DO care more about what he looks like, then some thing happens to show me that's not true. I just want him to be active regardless of what weight he is, when he gets up and works on things or has projects or even just goes for a walk with us, I am 100 x more attracted to him. I am just not into sloth on a daily basis (every body needs to chill some times, I know this.)
I think I'm on my way to being okay again, breathing out of both sides of my nose today and my head doesn't feel like it will explode anytime soon. My friends are urging me to take these megadose vitamins and I am struggling with this concept. They swear by them, and I am sick of being sick, and yet everything I've learned in clinical nutrition and biochemistry tells me that it is a waste and if you are taking the wrong ones, harmful. Meh.
I also sat in on a web conference about the safety of aspartame with speakers from Harvard and a group of toxicologists, not sure if I mentioned that. I thought it would be more interesting but it seemed biased, though the science that was presented I can't really fault.
Coffee is ready, hope everyone has a great day and avoids cardboard treats and hidden salt monsters.

PS WI: down to 151.8 today after ballooning back to 155.6 last Tuesday. I know it was water weight but it took a week to come off after I had been down to 151 even the saturday after I started this mess again. Two weeks in and I am down .8 of a pound.
At least it's not up and I'm not feeling deprived.

Re: comment
A subscription to Men's Health might help, I'm not sure how he would react or if he would even read it. He is a wonderful guy but hard to read some times and I don't know if he would see it as me meddling or being pushy. I'm going to check it out and if I think he'd like it I'll get it for him, he likes getting magazines. I'm kind of excited about the idea!
Oh also, about the bio-electrical impedance bodyfat measuring tools, the handheld one is fairly accurate but the one you stand on is better, but apparently only higher end models that can factor in how athletic you are, etc. I have stats on that stuff somewhere....*rummages around chaotic mess....yeah I'll get back to you on that.
And as for today:
I did my little 7 min. (roughly) unstructured yoga workout and that made me feel better for a short time but I am absolutely afraid I won't be getting in that legs workout I wanted. My head is so stopped up that even maximum strength mucinex has not helped and that is just, well sad. It also hit me that when I am hoovering up odds and ends in the kitchen and off our son's plate that I am treating myself like a human garbage disposal, and that is the very opposite of cool.

My legs were sore all day in that nice, you know you worked them hard sort of way. We went for a walk tonight as a family, dog and all, and pushing a stroller with a 35 lb toddler up and down hills adds a nice level of activity. We all three got in the shower (in turns) when we got back and it felt nice to put my old ratty nightgown on and to sink on to the couch. It wasn't an extreme workout, but it was a pleasant time spent with my loved ones living an active person's life. That's what I'm doing, living an active person's life until I truly am that active person. I want to be that person that exercises daily forever and ever. Don't get me wrong, I am not a stranger to workouts but I want it to be a more consistent part of life viewed in a more healthy manner.
Food is doing fine on autopilot, I have to study now or I'd write more.

I just could NOT sleep last night and so even though I insisted (somewhat annoyingly) on hitting the sheets early, I did not get up early this morning like I had planned and I bit poor Husband's head off when he asked me if I wanted the light on (I have him do that sometimes when I'm having a hard time rolling out of bed.)
No workout and I'm sluggish but this can still be a good day.
Thinking positively.

Had a cheat meal last night, but it was premeditated and tasty. I wish I would have planned for it more, earlier in the day, but all in all it was not bad. I did not get to lift yesterday but I was very active and I seem to be getting an ear infection, at least it hurt all day when I teared up or tried to chew anything. I feel pretty good today so even if I have to go up in the attic and get my weights down I plan on lifting some heavy things for the sole purpose of building muscles.
On track and feeling good, good morning all and may you all feel the same.

Good Lord I am sore. I finally got a lifting session in Friday, and thought maybe something was wrong because it only took me thirty minutes, but in reality I worked harder than I usually do. I burned 330 calories in around 33 minutes and what I had considered a good workout was 400 something in 45 to an hr, so you do the math because it is too early.
We then went to some friends' for the day yesterday and I spent the day running after wee ones and swimming. I actually swam instead of standing in the water like everyone else and I think I got some decent activity in and it felt good to glide through the water and to spin in circles.
I now feel sure I have hit upon what clicks in MY brain. I would still eat badly or drink when it was geared towards not getting fat again. I knew that in reality doing that here and there or even a little each week would only be a temporary blip on the weight loss radar, yet when I approach every single thing I do with the question of, "would my body like this, am I taking care of my good friend that makes life worth living?" I don't eat badly at all or have the desire to. It may be just calling it a different name but I don't think so. Knowing how the body truly works (I've taken a LOT of biology courses now) has changed how I view the wonder that is the human body completely. It is an absolutely amazing machine and I am not abusing it anymore.
I think this new nerve med is working and I am so excited that I might feel like a normal woman again. It is also much more friendly than the previous med that I wasted time with, when I first wake up I feel completely put under, but if I get up and get moving, no problem really.
So two workouts, eating is going well, freaky woman troubles under control or at least on their way: life is good.

Life is hectic right now, I'll write more when I can.

I don't comment on your blogs as often as I should, I feel inadequate at best when I am really struck by something you post. All of you. Marla, many of your posts really strike a cord with me and yet I'm not sure what to say that would be of any worth to the already lovely writing. The post about food pushing especially hit me but I have yet to say anything. And my inspiring Seattle friend Dynamo360, your thinking posts, well they make me think. Ha! So like my own posting, I will strive to stop being frozen from commenting because I DO want you to know I think you rock.
Hamstring is fine now but I started getting miserably sick last night. I feel like the highest frequency germ factory on the planet. Not the ILLEST person by any means as there are so many people dealing with seriously gnarly stuff, but I have persistent crappy colds, allergies, fatigue, etc. I blame Texas. Only half joking here.
Had fucked up dreams last night that I woke up and we were already in Vail and I totally did not remember the flight or the drive which led to panicking wondering if I had drank or taken something. And the mountains were more like molehills and I was so disappointed that I had finally gotten a chance to share them with my mom and then the betrayed me by being hills, and my dad was there with my brother (parents are recently divorced) and there was a repair dude named Clovis working on the water line? He looked like Morgan Freeman.
My throat is super swollen, my voice is hoarse and I feel all woozy. Perfect to go to a high altitude! I told my mom it would be in the 20s at night and she freaked! "Where are you taking me??" haha.
Huge day ahead of me, gotta finish the packing of the suitcase and then get to school then rush to my moms, eat and pick her up and then start the hellish process that is the airport. I hate airports, all of the check points and toll booths and what have you give me extreme anxiety.
Still not dieting, don't think I ever will again. THAT gives me peace.

Lots to talk about, bubbling around in my noggin', but seeing as how I've sat here and tried to talk myself out of going out to the garage and lifting after two weeks off (unheard of), I better go do that instead. Be back later hopefully, lots of great posts in blogland that have me thinking.

Oh and a certain 6am 24 cycle post had a lot to do with inspiring me to get off my tookus. Good for you!

I've been in a damned weird place mentally and I'm not entirely sure that I'm back. I thought about abandoning this page, mainly because I was thinking about abandoning my endeavor to be thinner. Note I did not say stronger, never thought about ditching that but after spending a weekend like I used to, drinking beer and eating what I wanted, it felt so good. Then Monday rolled around and I felt sick from all the "good fun" I was having and I woke up. Ha! Anyway, sometimes I am human just like everyone else and I get sick to death of all my responsibilities, the thing is...taking care of my body is not one that I can just decide to drop. It's not like washing clothes or loading the dishwasher. I no longer want to go back to my old ways but it was tempting for once.
I seem to have two people inside rather than one whole person. One person is very Type A and takes care of everything right on time all the time and eats perfectly and works out regularly without fail and is also very snippy and uptight and not someone I would want to hang out with, *frown. The other me is very easy going and fun and dangerous to my health, and I just want to combine the two and leave out the snippiness and impatience.
Working on that, in the mean time I'm detoxing and deflating after my tour de debauchery. I went for a walk last night by myself and must have really been bookin' it because I burned just as many calories as I do on the elliptical, and let me tell you I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more because I actually felt like I was getting somewhere instead of hanster wheelin' it.
Sorry I haven't commented, I've read when I could and Kada if you read this, enjoyed the excerpt a lot!
That's all I have for today.

Wow sorry to leave it hanging on such a downer post. I was out of town all weekend, but am back now and will catch up on everyone asahp (as soon as humanly possible). Starting day 12 today, did not make it past 11 am on Saturday, my MIL's house is kryptonite for me and I wish I would have made it but I did not. I'll explain later.

Apparently I lost a day somewhere, this is actually 10 and I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. It's hard to not stuff depression with food.
Going to bed early, surely tomorrow will be better.

Day 9: chugging along. Had workers here most of the day replacing the back door jam and putting guttering on the back as well. I've worked pretty hard around the house and gotten my school work for the day finished.
I wanted to get some serious exercising in today but I've had to up my dose again and if I thought I was fuzzy yesterday...DAMN. I just want to take a nap but Number One Toddler of the World is waking up now so there goes that. He has been absolutely awful lately and I am ready for my sweet boy to come back.
Typing is difficult, my fingernail beds are sore from pulling weeds and picking up bricks and such, so I'll cut this short.
If the fog lifts I'm going to hop on the elliptical later and tomorrow is definitely lifting day, I'll get that done before I take the extra pill. Food still on track but I think that intial progress has stalled somewhat due to not a lot of exercise. I am trying!

Day 8 was touch and go, I spent the majority of the day at my mother's which is always a danger zone. She eats pretty well but is a big carb snacker like chips and popcorn and crackers and for some reason I always have a hard time around all that. I thought I had completely over done it on the eating but when I actually thought about it on the way home I didn't really, I think I just felt that way because I was out of my element and it was not the typical stuff I would eat.
We also went for about a 20 minute walk, something we've talked about doing together since she left my dad and moved here about a yr and a half ago, so I was proud of doing that on two fronts. She wasn't feeling well but soldiered through it, I wish that her health problems would retreat so she could get back to being more fit and active like she was when she moved here. She walked everyday and had her own little routine she did at their house and then her apt and we even emailed each other encouragement for awhile. Her shoulder locked up for no apparent reason, unknown to doctors why it happens, and she had to do physical therapy for a long time before it was even usable really and now she's had intestinal cramping and pain for months and once again no answer why.
Anyway, the last few mornings I've woken up feeling like a big truck ran over me and I am exhausted right now. Not sure what is going on but I am really missing being MY active self, the diet is going great but I am now one of those people that NEEDS to exercise or I don't feel good about myself or happy in general. I plan on walking quite a bit today and getting some yard work done, toddler permitting. He is being a real pill today and I am wondering why I canceled his Wed. daycare. Bah.

PS thanks for the comments, my brain feels really fuzzy and this was hard to write so I don't really have anything to add right now. Sorry...I hate feeling like this!

Day 7 Check In:
I have stayed "on plan" (hate typing that but well, it is apt) for seven days now and exTREMEly pleased with this fact. And beyond the seven day thing, I survived a weekend with the Husband's family and stood my ground despite frowns, badgering, and supposedly hurt tones. Get off my ass about eating the dessert you made, good GOD. Here is the MOST important part: I do not feel deprived one.little.bit. I feel very scientific, logical, and focused which is how I operate best and I can already see many changes. My arms are more defined which is one of my major goals, my ankles are not swollen, my jewelry is loose and comfortable and the squidgy bags under my arms and around my bra strap are pretty much gone. I feel really good, I just need to get back to more exercise, I actually have more time right now. Not that I've been slacking too hard, hard weights workout Friday and swam for about an hr off and on Sunday. Nothing today but I spent the day driving to/from my grandma's and visiting her, so it was time well spent.
I'm really doing this. *pinches self

Check in for yesterday and today:
Sorry no update yesterday, had my final and then spent the rest of the day feeling under the weather. Yes, I-the only person sick this much on the face of the planet-woke up with a sore throat again, the same exact feeling I had before I got so badly ill recently. It's still hanging about today but I've managed to get some things done despite it.
Day 2 was a success, no intentional exercise but I stuck perfectly to my eating plan and went to bed a bit early. Today I have not only stuck to the eating plan but also vac'd the entire house and washed the kitchen floor by hand, as well as all of the cabinet faces. A threw in a little bit of yoga/Pilates while playing with our son in his room, he thinks it's funny and tries to climb on me the whole time.
Nothing close to what I have been doing for exercise but I'm not feeling well and I am doing SOME thing so I am happy with it. I feel very pleased with myself right now and I'm not ashamed of that feeling, I don't always have it.
Of course because I've stuck to my convictions for three days I expect miraculous results. I do have to say I went through some bad digestive business right off the bat and the unsightly swelling I had noticed in my ankles is gone. My wedding ring and watch are spinning, something I tend to associate with weight loss because I notice those each time I start dropping fat.
I'm semi obsessing over the idea that I may lose some of the hard fought muscle I just developed but of course I won't be stopping on the lifting front and I am not eating too low of a caloric amount. What I thought was around 1200 calories before is actually more in the 1350-1500 range, which is perfectly acceptable as long as it is a cycle and not the rest of your life. I believe I've been eating a pretty high tally the last 5 months or so, which is why I've lost no fat and was able to add the muscle, at least I think so. I'll probably do that again after I cut some of this unwanted fluff, the fat under my arms and on my back around my bra strap is back too much for comfort, can't hide those pretty muscles!
The class that ate Manhattan is over and I earned a B, something I am very pleased with as well. I'm used to all A's but with this class and this professor, I could dance a jig.
OH! Speaking of jigs, that's something else I've been doing lately. We just got a cheesy station in this area that is geared towards music to make you dance for exercise, stuff like Salt n Peppa and Wild Thang, haha! We have little dance parties, the two of us and sometimes with Husband when he gets home from work.
Enough for now, positive thoughts to you all.

Check in:
Stuck to planned out food all day, ate at Subway for lunch with Mama and made good choices, and went for a 1.25 mile walk after dinner with the family.

I don't know if I have ever been this focused, I'm sure I have but the key is to keep that feeling going.

Success!